More MySpace, somewhat offensive *to the ones who know me know* but honest emotion

 

Jan 5, 2007

Families.....

Current mood:bitchy

Does the blood that flows through our viens family, does a marrigae liceinse mean your family, or is it LOVE that you feel for one another... During this joyous hoilday season , i watch a family be destroyed.
Destroyed  by ANger, Rage, in the mist of the Choas I found something beautiful in all that pain and hurt. I found that love is something that can not be replaced , nor should it be taken for granted. I found that love is something that NEVER HURTS; atleast not unless your KINKY in bed *lol* .. I watched my " brother " who has supposedly loved me my whole life, stab me in the heart over a cousin, I watched my uncle terrify his beautiful daughter and my children. I saw a woman that was beat down , and fought back. I see that very same woman now hooked up to a ventialtor fighting for her life. Yet Raceland COPS come into my house, ask to his this precious child, BECAUSE her "father" has the rights to know where she is at, and if shes Healthy. This is the same "father" that has a standing EPO (Emergency PROtective Order) agaisnt him to supposedly protect his wife and child... WTF is wrong with that picture. Just because you an CUM inside a woman and knock her up doesnt make you a Father!! I have no mercy in my life for anyone who sets out to destroy another life, whether they use fist, or words its all the same in my book.
SO tonight I Bury my "Brother" Rick and his family by they rest in peace, my the THings they seek bring them comfort, for my door is forever closed. I also Bury my " Uncle" Tony, may he one day realize and feel all the pain that he has caused his children in his lifetime.. These are people that i have LOVED dearly and they may still be breathing and walking around in this great big planet of mine but to me they are dead.. For they valued "things" more than life, more than the life of thier Family...
In the begining of this rant  I asked you what is family, does a marrigae create a family, or is it the blood that flows through your viens. I personally believe that I dont need some goverment offical to tell me that im loved , or that they are my family. An in my life the people that share the same blood line as myself is also the very same ones that FUCKED me ... So if I have told you I love you I mean it, If i havent than dont ask you may not like your answer you get.. Keep me and my " FAMILY" in your thoughts.. Blessed Be..

10:32 Am Heather Renee I can not begin to understand what makes a person do the things they do. and for the most part, I dont want to understand, then I would be on their level. Paper doesnt make you someones husband/wife, uncle/aunt, daughter/son, all it is paper.....whats it good for? starting fires! causing problems!  How you feel for someone, what they mean to you, the bonds that bind you to them, that is what counts. I am here dear friend, if you need me just call, if its just to talk, go out to eat, or to bitch about life! Take care and peace be with you!

OK ITS CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current mood:naughty

I know its been a while since Ive sit down to this computer and poured my soul out for the whole world to see. BUt with school and being a full time parent, I honestly havent had the time. An I would write a hell of alot more if I knew someone out there was listening..
I personally hate the idea of CHRISTMAS !! THE CHRISTANS HAVE GOTTEN IT ALL WRONG AGAIN!!  Yet , for some fucked  up reason I gave my children a basics of Christanity when I was non-practing,( you would have to live in my town to truly understand why so dont judge) I think they need a basis then they see how I live my live an choose for themselves.
Anyway, to me Christmas has become over done, its all about what plp get not being together and loving people.So to my friends out there I truly do love you , thanks you for always being their and my we have many more years to come..
For those of you whom I havent met... Why is that? Lets change that in the year 2007... Take Care to you all.. Love and Blessed Be...

Nov 9, 2006

testing

Current mood:nauseated

Hey guys,
I have to have some major testing for the doctors here because they are freakin stupid.. so keep me in ur thoughts today... and since i have only 4 wks left in this semster keep me in ur thoughts !! love u all an i ll try to catch everyone up in my hellish life later. love ya

Nov 1, 2006

Define Family

Current mood:aggravated

What defines a  family? Is it your parents , brothers, sisters or is it your lover, children , husband or wife? Is it your truest friends or is blood relation a must?
I personally believe that we define our own family, that it is the people that we love and love us in return. I know that your family is the people who help in your creation, who share the blood that runs through your veins, but I also believe that it is people who stands beside you. Who love you know matter what you do. These are the people that you can call in the middle of the night and who would be there.
So why must these people sometimes destory what they helped created? Why arent children allowed to grow up and maintain thier own life without creating a whole hell of alot of pain..at least those of us who are stupid enough not to move away. .. granted iknow these questions are not the same for everyone..but this is about me and my life..These are the questions that race through my mind.. will i only find peace ... will I only be allowed to live my life and raise my family to my abiltiy out side of ky..prolly... cause my family destorys me daily all in the name of love.. and its not love.. its pain.. its hellish .. i am a thiry two year old mother of three who is still expected to live her life to her parents expectations and by god if i do something they dont agree with then my life is hell..my mother tries to rule my life more now than she did when i was a teenager.... what the fuck is up with that??? and my children are mine..NOONE ELES!! back off if you love me or you may loose me forever...

More MySpace, somewhat offensive *to the ones who know me know* but honest emotion

10/28/2006

Happpy Birthday to me...

Current mood:indescribable

I first want to thank you all for the kind words .. I truly do feel loved an special even though I'm another year older.. Its been awhile since I've last posted because my life is always choatic especially with my daughters health and my fucked up family.. oh well.!!
Life is good all is well with my an my sexy hubby..We've learned lots of important lessons.. and Keeping only us in this relationship , if i loose friends or family at least i have him and our kids..An that is the most important thing to me.  I love you all dearly, but i will no longer allow my friends or family to judge my life and rule over it.. if you love me than accept me an my choices without hestation or judgement.. if not then shut the fuck up and leave me alone about it..      For life is very short and i do not plan to have any regrets about my life or choices when i die... and truly friends learn that hard lesson from me.. it iwll only be you there having those regrets if you dont live your life the way you want to .. you cant live or someone or something eles...ALl my love to you..

11:03 AM

Oct 18, 2006

FRIENDS, LOVERS AND ALL THE MORE..

Current mood:amused

I am amazed at the human mind, how it can recall whispers of a lovers voice. as i set here in this huge bed alone . I can recall your breathe upon my skin, the very taste of your essence as it evades all of my senses. These are feelings that i will take with me no matter where I travel across this great land of ours or whom i share my bed with...
I have learned many lessons throughout my life; you can share beautiful experiances with someone that will truly enrich your life and not be in love with them . I feel that moment can enrich your soul, help you grow as a human being. I know as a younger women  I often confused the two, believeing that I had to be in love to have sex . Not only did I add lots of undo stress into my life, but the life expericances I was meant to have also decreased. We are given paths in this life to walk , to learn from them . But we can sell ourselves short, an truly miss out on wonderful experiances.;and I for one am tired of living my life in fear of not meeting someone elses expectations an feel miserable. I choose this day to live for myself, and the consequences of my actions i take upon my self for in the end of this life that is the only person i will answer to...

5:59 AM

Oct 5, 2006

Dear Friends

Current mood:curious

As you sit infront of your computers, and click the link that leads you straight into my soul and life. My blogs have become a window for me to work through things in my life, things that I would normally never share. But  I feel that we go through things in this life for  a purpose. Somethings that I have surived may help someone, even if it just shows that your not alone.. So as u read my rambling just take the time to jot a comment! Let me know your thoughts and emotions upon what your reading, Let me feel like we are a collective soul sharing the same experiance called LIFE..

And I wanna just to say THANKS for taking time out of your hetic day 2 life to read my thoughts, emotions and just a response to lifes struggles. It may not be the "right" response but its mine, and its honest...

4:20 AM)  Suzi Henderson     Hey girl, Love ya. I normally do not read your blogs but today I thought I would. You sound down. I will comment you more latter I have Tara with me today. I am having bad thoughts and need to talk. It has to do with home life. Some of what we talked about the other day. I am really in a slump and you are the only one that knows for now. I guess everyone reading this will now but right now I dont care. I am still putting on the face. You know what I mean. Latter, Suzi                           

Oct 4, 2006

i fuckin got my tongue pierced!!!

Current mood:crazy

ok, for those of you who truly know me , known that i have wanted to get my tongue pierced for ever...But i held back for some insane reason, partly fear of the process and then rejection of those around me.
Well for once I did what i wanted to do.. Yeah it was a fun experiance for Alana got her's done at the same time. i have found that i want to buy more tongue rings so i can constantly change them out with my mood.. And Alana chews on her's which is why is has broke one of her tongue rings.. Thanks to Angie who gave us a couple of tongue rings when we got ours done... Love You . your awesome...
So one thing i have learned from this experiance is go for it!! live your life for your self.. because that is only the true source of happiness

11:27 AM

More MySpace, somewhat offensive *to the ones who know me know* but honest emotion

Sep 25, 2006

feeling you ...

Current mood:awake

Slowly I awake to the sound of my alarm, I reach over to feel you. Then I realize your not there... I sense your presence here in our bedroom, its as if Icould almost  reach out and touch you.
I smell the air, it seems charged with supernatual presense, I feel safe for I am not alone, you are here with me. Just as surely as I was in your arms only a few nights ago. I thought i surely would have awaken the whole world when I felt your lips upon my neck, taking in the verry essence of my life.
I cannot describe eurphoic feelings of total possesion of owns soul to another, its been along time . Yet it feels as if it was only days ago since our last earth sahattering encounter. You feed the fire in my soul as i surely set here, you are the other half of my soul. You always have been and will be until I take my final breathe from this existance. I have loved you over half my life and i still love ...

6:10 AM

Done!!!!!!

Current mood:drained

You know sometimes you reach your breaking point, well I m here to tell you.. I m not at a breaking point , I'm at a snaping point!! I am FUCKING DONE!! I have given all I can give, I'm tired of the games an the lies,, this is no way to live...Some people think they have a right to bitch an complaing about being cheated but fuck .. its my girls that are cheated every GOD DAMN DAY and I am fucking tired of it. .i am fucking tired of pretending to be one happy family...our family stop existing the day he slept with someone else..
Its my turn, its my turn to find me someone who will love me an ONLY ME,, who will sleep next to me in this big lonely bed at night, Someone who my children can look up too , I know that this man isnt just a dream , that somewhere out there is a man to love me and be a father to my girls.. im looking forward to finding him.. to finding that day .. a new start...

9:35 PM

• Angie Gartin-Lowe     Everyone has a soulmate out there, and you will find yours.. It took me a long time to find me, and now that I did, its wonderful.. You have to keep up the hope that he is out there and you will find him !!!                           

  • 5 years ago

Sep 19, 2006

if u believe....

Current mood:depressed

To my fellow friends.. and ......
Helll there are some of you out there right now ,sitting infront of your computers , reading the words that pour out of this twisted soul and I wonder the FUCK WHY? Do u like to see inside the twisted soul that I live in day to day? Do u have a right to look into the deep recess of my soul , into the places that I banished u from so long ago..
My mind is racing thousands of miles per hour.. the kids are driving me insane , always asking for more, for anyother piece of my soul!! i cant give anymore , i cant care anymore and i sure the hell cant try to figure you out anymore.. i dont have the time nor patience for it.. LOVE isnt suppose to hurt this bad...love doesnt want u only half the time.. .

PSSS... my brother Rick is in the hospital and its not looking good.. so for those of u who belives in a GOD .. keep him in ur prayers.. thanks .

7:39 PM

More MySpace, somewhat offensive *to the ones who know me know* but honest emotion

Sep 11, 2006

Wishing you were here

Isnt it funny how a smell, or a song can trigger a certain memory. Well welcome to my world, I can dream of the present , past or sometimes the future and it drives me insane!!! I can walk into my room and a certain smell of smoke can trigger me right back into a night of long ago, well may not so long ago in time just this reality..

So come and tell me your dirty little secrets and ill tell you mine..

11:42 PM

Wishing you were here

Current mood:exhausted

Ok I can not start this day off without remembering all we lost as a nation on 9/11/01 granted, I personaly lost noone close to me in that tragic event, but I believe as a nation we lost our innocences.I believe we lost our belief that we were " safe" and untouchable.

So I mourn for those who lost thier love ones on that Septermber morning and I mourn for us a nation, for the peace,and untouchable feeling that we will never be able to feel in our souls again.

On the up side. I had an AWESOME weekend.. took my daughter to a concert, me ASH TRAGEDY, CHARLES, ALANA(SPINAL TAP) AN ALEx(BLEEDING HEART) we had fun!! I know the girls enjoyed thier concerts more than i did but i just enjoyed the quailty family time.. JOES CRAB SHACK was awesome.. and THANKS CHARLES for the.... LOL you know i needed it ..

One of my fondest memory is of Charles in the mosh pit being so "protective" over Alana and Alex making sure that they got the full concert experiance an yet they walked away unhurt... They were so surprised when we gave them thier concert t shirts!!!  Well enough of my rambling about my family and my feelings .. i guess i should have named this rambing.. Alana is on the up swing right now yet keep us in your prayers..

Aug 29, 2006

UPDATE

Current mood:scared

Things are progressing rather quickly here... I am waiting any minute for Alana's neuroteam to call admitting her to UK Children's Hospital.. I hope   they can find the problem and fix it...
This waiting and not knowing is killing me, an I dont see how much longer she can go in the constant pain...Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.. Thanks...

12:58 AM

Aug 27, 2006

HELP!! GUYS

Current mood:gloomy

Ok Guys,
I need you to remember my oldest daughter in your prayers.. She is not getting any better.. the migraines, seizures are increasingly getting worse. She has been sick since last Monday, we have been at the ER (Twice), the Doctors office.
She has now passed out twice, having chest pains , and rapid heartbeat.. She has had a spinal tap to check for a brain bleed,so far they cant seem to stop the pain, or find its cause. Right now she is in so much pain that she cant function. And all the doctors, neurologist and everyone else is wait and see.. Wait until you see the doctors w/ UK ..(Which isnt until Sept 14...) I am at my wits in. I am truly worried, for as a mother I am suppose to be able to fix my children's problems and right now I am helpless.
The main thing my daughter wants and needs (her Family) is something i cannot Give... i have to be enough, and sometimes i dont feel i am..
Keep us both in your prayers.. Thanks

9:34 PM

More of my writings/Rants from MySpace some might find these offensive. **Warning* to you..

8/26/2006

Fantasy Worlds and Gum Drops. *READ ME*

Current mood:awake

Have you ever had a dream, then lived it the next day? Some people say that its impossible to do that yet i live it everyday of my life. When i dream I see things that shouldnt be possible. I can see people and things they are going through if i am close to them.( More times than I care to count I'm right)
I know what most of you are thinking, that i ready for a nice quiet rubber room somewhere... Yet how could I have known an be able to descirbe in amazing detail the person my husband at the time was cheating with... Believe me that was something i rather not known..
I would rather not see death before it happens to the people I love. For its hard living life day to day as if nothing is wrong, when in reality our making memories that will hopefully last you for your lifetime. Yet it was wonderful to have a conversation with my sister after she had been killed to know that she truly was ok..
I would love to be able to look at someone and not see what they are feeling. I would love to be able to lay down with someone and feel only their love .. not thier internal choas. I feel truly sorry for the people in my life having to put up with me.. But I have been this way since I was two years old, maybe even earlier but that is when my memory starts..
So the next time i bitch about things , you can feel free to ignore me, Hell i would love to sometimes. Why can life be full of GOOD MUSIC, GOOD LOVE and Gumdrops? IT would be so much easier just to leave the Bullshit behind.

11:42 AM

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Aug 20, 2006

Fantasy Worlds and Reality....

Sometimes we live in a world of our own creation.. ofher times we are living in a creation of others. Why do we let other people force thier thoughts and views upon our own lives. If you feel like crying, you should cry. If you feel like laughing you should, if you feel like loving someone you should..

Love is meant to be given freely, and with a whole heart... Even in the desperate times, even if they say they dont love you back. Most people can turn thier love on and off like a water facuet.. others are good at hiding thier own true emotions, and some are good at manipulating the situation or people..

That can go for friends, lovers, husbands, sisters, mothers, and fathers.... then there is those who have a *motto* of love the one your with .. then move on.Then there are times when you cannot be with the one you love so your with anyone to fill that spot in your soul, the ache in your life that cant be filled or denied.

So why most people feel like they can run your life, just because they are your family or friends that gives them the right to tell you how to live your life? They dont see that they are adding to your pain or stealing your happiness.. How can they deem that they love you when they  put you through thier own private HELL....

11:51 PM

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Aug 17, 2006

Karma...

Current mood:angry

They say what goes around ,comes around... I am a firm believer that when you do evil towards another person it will come back and BITE you in your ass..
I try to live my life to suit my own needs.. to make my children and myself happy.. Because in the end when I die I will be the only one with regrets..
Yet there is people out there whom claim to -- LOVE --- you , yet they are the ones that will stab in through the heart faster than anyone eles... How can that be love? its not in my book.. I am a good , decent person.. who basically leaves everyone the fuck alone.. HELL being a full time college student and a single mother of three I dont have time for anyone...My dad is having heart problems again, which terrifies me...I know we dont live forever..but wouldnt it be great if we did..
i know there are assholes out there that i couldnt deal with forever.. but i guess im in my own hell ..

1:15 AM

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Aug 14, 2006

Missin'

Current mood:discontent

Miss Me Baby

Miss me baby
When you hear our favorite song, miss me baby
And when you start to sing along
Think about all the times that we danced in the light to it all night long
Then miss me baby

Want me honey
Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
We couldn't wait anymore
Left the keys in the door, took my hand, pulled me down on the kitchen floor
Yeah we were that crazy
Miss me baby

Chorus:
'Cause when he's holdin' you
Know that it's killin' me
Let my memory be the reason girl that you can't sleep
And every time you feel his touch
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I touched your heart so deep girl you can't shake me
'Cause I love you
Yes I need you
Miss me baby

Miss me baby
Until you can't take it no more
Miss me baby
Pack your bags and hit the door
I'm a man, I was wrong, forgive me, come back home, I'll be waiting
Right here waiting
Miss me baby

(Repeat Chorus)
( song by the awesome Chris Cagle......)


Has there ever been that "someone" in your life that you can't shake .. no matter what HELL they put you through? Have you ever been layin in bed next to someone wishin you were somewhere else or with someone eles? I know I have.. and I believe it's much easier to be completly alone than be with someone who is already gone.. Sometimes LIFE has a way of smacking you up side the head, or could it be that we are so wrapped up in our day to day lives that even though we love someone we dont have time for them.. I know what its like to be with someone would rather be gone.. and its not a pretty picture.. I even myself was afraid to "talk it out" in fear of the answers that I would find.. And that was apart of myself that I hated... I hated being so afraid of rejection that I would rather live in hell ...
Because it is pure HELL wanting to be with someone else and not knowing how to say "goodbye" to where your currently at.. I have been on both sides of this song.. it speaks to my heart.. for once you have been there .. done that.. you sure as HELL dont want to go back.. even if you still LOVE them..because sometimes LOVE isnt enough.. sometimes LOVE isnt worth fighting for..
I'd rather live my life with a space in my soul than to be complelty in love wtih someone who doesnt, couldnt or wouldnt love me back... If I can not be accepted for who I am I rather be left the HELL alone.. That includes every facet of my life..I rather not "pretend" to be friends with someone, when I know deep in my heart that they cant wait to get off the phone with me. Who said Just because Ive known them for half my life that they have to contuine being an active part of my life.. Because living like that turns wonderful memories into painful experiance that I would rather not have to revist..
Sometimes the best things in life are lost.....

More of my writings from MySpace ..that is less likely to offend..

Aug 11, 2006

Memories.....

Current mood:melancholy

Do you ever wonder if you would have said "...." how that would have changed your whole outlook on life.. I know that sometimes i have been known to say things in anger.. and totally regret it later.. Yet there are times that I say nothing at all.. and end up with even more regrets..
Life is full of challenges, heartaches, and yet sometimes there is overwhelming love, and happiness. The greatest day of my life was when each of my daughters were born, and then when I married.. Granted I am now divorced raising these beautiful creations alone, but even if I could go back in time and change things, i would let them remain the same..
For
yes if i did change things there wouldnt be some heartache, but there would also not have been LOVE and when you love someone with your whole heart , they will always be apart of you no matter how bad the ending sucked... As the song goes,, " YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE" is true.. yet sometimes you cant live in the past , no matter how safe, loved and connected you feel. Life is a journey, sometimes the path is unclear.. but one way or another we are meant to love and to be loved... My greatest love , is my children now, and i solely focus my life upon their future .. theier happiness that is the most important thing to me ...

Aug 8, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!!!

Current mood:contemplative

For those of you whom know me well, you may think im out of my freaking mind.. but today my sister would have been 29, she was bright, beautiful, and full of sass.. and taken way too soon by a drunken driver 11 years ago..
So this one is for her.. for what we all lost.. If you know anyone who drinks and drives .. please remember that you not only destory your life but countless others...
My children have grown up without a aunt, my parents had to bury thier youngest child, her friends lost

someone that they could depend in a choas...  not counting the numerous friends and family... and this world lost an angel ... I know I may be not the best to ask on this .. but i am the oldest sister  of the two of us... yet now I am a only child..

why did the a**hole have to ruin lives.. on that rainy friday night
                     LISA LA DAWN STEVENS
                           8/8/77- 8/11/95

Aug 6, 2006

A Walk Through Time

Current mood:contemplative

Admittly we all to this ... if it is a song that takes us back, or a memory that slips up on us... we go back to a time in our past
. Some times we go back to vist a lost love , or a memory of a childhood friend, or even like myself, i sometimes travel back to vist my family... Granted its not planned nor is it always easy.. but sometimes our mind that is the uttmost miracle known to man, does this journey complety on its own.. and then SLAM we are there .. if the place we travel too is a happy one this its easy and we smile and laugh at a forgetten memory..
Yet
if the memory is painful , then we are slammed with regret, loss and tears.. SOme would say that maybe we just dont want to grow up and Face reality... But FRUED would say that it is a defense mechanism built into our subconsious to protect its self... What would your choose?

Warning you may not ever want to read ..but it was from a place of true pain and emotion..

Aug 5, 2006

Fuckin Tired....

Current mood:irritated

Do you ever get tired of the bullshit.. well i have reached my limit.. today SUCKS !! i mean yes it's a good day because its PRINCESS BROOKLYNN'S birthday..
But my life has been imploding around me for a couple of weeks and their seems to be no chance of a freaking break.... My girls are about to start school soon an  i dont have the damn $$$ to get them new school clothes, shoes or even a freaking pencil.. It is killin me!!! Hopefully ill have some money for what they need once school starts next week when my ex gets paid...but im kinda doubting it...
Life shouldnt be this hard.. you shouldn't have to kill your self , or never see your kids just to freaking provide the basics for them.. I know some might say that its my fault for having three kids.. but damn it . .i didnt do it alone.
Yet that seems to be the way im raising them . Alana's dad signed his rights down 2 nothing..and so is the childsupport.. how freaking far does he think 60 a month goes for a teenager??? Especially one with her health problems.. Now hes back in her life, which is good for her.. but damn its killing me on the gas transporting her back and forth ,.. considering the tolls cost a weekly childsupport check..
And my ex cares about my other girls but damn hes never  around to help me deal with them or thier needs.. and when i talk to him about $$$ or the shit they are doing without its a F**KING FIGHT!! Im soo tired of it all.. Im about ready to pack up and leave.. And NEVER tell anyone where we are at.. yeah ill lose the childsupport .. but sometimes it seems worth it considering how 12 yrs ago we were best friends first. and right now we are quickly heading to hated enemies.. he says he doesnt hate me but it sure feels that f**king way .. considering how when we talk its very short , unless we are fighting over the kids or more accurtaly MONEY!!!
      
  I AM DONE !!! I AM TIRED OF EVERYONE and everything....

3:41 PM

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Aug 2, 2006

revenge is sweet....

Current mood:pissed off

maybe we are our own worse enemy..   we are taught from birth to conform to societial pressures .. Even if in our heart of hearts we know that we are getting screwed.. there used to be a time when you could trust your family and friends to stand behind you and support u know matter what
 w as ,i lay here pulling the knife from my back , it seems that it is the very ones i should be able to trust with my life that has done me in... and i am not really suprised . not deep down ...
how do you overcome the betrayal and does the relationship surive? i dont know and i truly dont give a damn either.. So to those who think i am just someone to use an that i will take it a  word to the wise... SCREW U... revenge is sweet.....

6:07 PM

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