Confusion

I am filled with confusion and heartbreak.. In times like these I pray for the strength to carry on.. Millions of things run through my mind.. I hate to hide behind pretenses but I'm tired of letting people in just to feel this pain.. To put the walls down, have my heart smashed into a million pieces. To hear your voice now its a million miles away.. it breaks my heart .. I dont know what I did to you, but know that no matter what I will always love you.. You are family, that will never change.. will  I let you in as close as you once were ...I dont know that answer questions ravage my mind like hidden daggers that attacks the very soul.. Who ever wrote the lines that Its better to have loved and lost....surely never  truly loved.. I love the experiance of having you in my life, I love the very being of your soul.. but I miss you.. I miss our things that we did together.. if you wouldve or could have let me in..then maybe I wouldnt feel this pain now. Maybe I would  feel like Ive done something horribly wrong.. Was I not good enough for the truth??? What went so wrong?? Could you just email me or let me know ..so the questions will stop swimming through my brain and soul.. so i can begin to heal and leave this place of pain and sorrow...